The Toughest
Conversation...Ever
Matthew 18:15-17;
James 5:19-20
[Scene from U-571]
Imagine being the director of a big-budget,
-it
would be relatively easy to tell a group of extras who are the fans
at a baseball game, “You’re not excited enough! C’mon, the
Cardinals have just won the World Series! How does that make
you feel? How are you going to
react?”
--that’s pretty similar to what a pastor does every Sunday
---“You’ve just lied. How does
that make you feel?”
---“Jesus has been raised. How
are you going to react?”
---“Your neighbor just got laid off.
What are you going to say?”
-but
how difficult, how uncomfortable and awkward would to be to
give direction to someone the caliber of a Meryl Streep
or Dustin
Hoffman or Gene Hackman?
--“Uh, excuse me, Ms. Streep? May I call you Ms. Streep? Have
I mentioned I am a huge, huge fan of yours? I just adored
you in Sophie’s
Choice. Anywho—I know you’ve won a
boatload of Academy Awards—I mean, you have more
Oscars than
weensy suggestion, ma’am? I’d just really like it if you just
could just please show just a tad more emotion when you
discover that your car won’t be out of the repair shop until
Wednesday.”
---seriously, what credibility do you or any director have to
critique the work of the Meryl Streep?
-that
would be like me giving pointers to Billy Graham about how to
give
a clearer presentation of the gospel...or Tim telling Luciano
Pavarotti
that he was a “leetle-a bit sharp-a”
Go back to the film clip we watched from U-571
-you could argue that the chief petty officer is way out of line to
scold
the lieutenant like he did
--but did you notice that
the petty officer finds no joy in pointing
out the shortcomings of
his new skipper...this is no power play
he isn’t criticizing
the lieutenant to show the other men that he
is the one who’s
really in charge
-no, of course not...so why then
did he confront him?
Confrontation of any kind is never easy—sure, there are a few who
thrive on an in-your-face
showdown, but most of us avoid it at all cost
-and once we start talking
about sin and about our brother or sister
in
Christ, what’s our first line of defense...what’s the first question
we ask?
--“Who am I?”
--“Seriously, who am I?
What right or what authority do I have
even to think about confronting someone about
their sin? I
mean, back in the day I
did stuff much worse than that!”
And our perceived lack of moral authority is only part of the problem
-we have a ready list of dozens
of excuses why we can’t or won’t
--I don’t want to make her
angry...and lose her friendship
--I can’t say anything: she’s a saint who’s light-years ahead of me
when it comes to
spiritual maturity
--it’s not my responsibility
--the Bible does say we’re not supposed to judge
--It’s too nasty—I don’t want
to get dragged into it
The problem with each one of those excuses?
-they simply don’t hold up under
the scrutiny of Scripture—not close
--in fact, the Bible is
unmistakably clear about our role when it
comes to confronting sin,
rebuking a brother or sister, and
dealing with the messy
complexities that result from failure
Allow me to scratch the surface
-Galatians 6:1 à Brothers,
if someone is caught in a sin, you who
are spiritual should restore him
gently. But watch yourself, or you
also may be tempted.
-Titus 3:10 à Warn a
divisive person once, and then warn him a
second time. After that, have nothing to do with him.
-2 Thessalonians 3:14-15 à If
anyone does not obey our
instruction in this letter, take special
note of him. Do not associate
with him, in
order that he may feel ashamed. Yet do
not regard
him as an enemy,
but warn him as a brother.
-2 Timothy 4:1-2 à In the
presence of God and of Christ Jesus,
who will judge the living and the dead,
and in view of His
appearing and His kingdom, I give you this
charge: Preach the
Word; be prepared in season and out of
season; correct, rebuke
and encourage—with great patience and
careful instruction.
Every actor and actress, regardless of their talent or fame, will
benefit
from an honest relationship with
a good director
-how can
that work? trust!
--the actress must trust
the goals and intentions of the director...
not to believe they
both want the best performance and the
best film...and any
criticism is akin to advice from a close
friend, not the attack
of a bitter rival
Did notice how Scripture
guides us to deal with a brother or sister?
-Galatians 6:1 à ...restore
him gently
-2 Thessalonians 3:15 à ...do
not regard him as an enemy, but
warn him as a brother
-2 Timothy 4:2 à ...correct,
rebuke, and encourage—with great
patience and careful instruction
These are not the actions of a critic...someone who attacks from far-
off, often high-up, and who is
personally detached
-a critic usually has one
objective—to point out flaws
--a Christian, on the other
hand, seeks only to bring that person
to Christ, to help
foster healing and restoration
-someone who is far away—like
a critic—can’t be gentle
-someone who thinks of
themselves as “high up”—like a critic—
can’t treat a sinner like a
brother
-someone who is personally
detached—like a critic—cannot
encourage, cannot
demonstrate patience, and cannot carefully
instruct...those things
require involvement, long-term
commitment,
and a love for the one who has fallen
Let me suggest a list of questions you should ask yourself before
confronting or rebuking another
Christian
1. What is my motive? This is the
most critical question and it
must
be answered before moving forward. The
difficulty lies, of
course,
in the fact that we often don’t understand our motive.
This requires inviting
some intense examination by the Holy
Spirit. If my motive is less than pure; if my goal is
anything
other than helping my
brother or sister toward repentance and
restoration—I must stay
away...far away.
2. What was my response when I learned of the
person’s sin?
Brokenness? Sorrow? If so, I may proceed with great caution.
Or was it a touch
of spiritual smugness that said, “I would never
do that!”? Was it a secret satisfaction because he was finally
getting just what he
deserved? If so, I have disqualified
myself.
Galatians 6:1 says that this work should be done by those of us
who are “spiritual”...it
doesn’t say “sinless” or “perfect”...but
spiritual, or controlled by the
Spirit. The context helps us. In
contrast to “spiritual”
is “sinful”...at the end of chapter 5, Paul
lists some of the
evidence that someone is controlled by the
sinful nature: hatred, discord, jealousy, selfish ambitions,
dissensions,
factions, and envy. Those sinful motives
are
especially destructive in
this situation and it explains why we
must not be the one
involved. But someone who is spiritual, will
bear what the Bible calls
“the fruit of the Spirit”: love, joy,
peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
and
self-control. When they characterize my
life, my heart, my
purpose...I may proceed
with caution.
3. Am I dealing with sin...or with a personal
preference?
-am I confronting
3. If my brother or sister repents, am I willing
to walk the long, hard
road of restoration
alongside them? I must not think that
the
process ends when they
say, “Ah, you got me. My
bad. I’m
sorry. I’ll never do it again.” It’s more involved than that
because we’re not talking
about “sin management”...we’re
talking
about restoration—with God and with others.
Please hear me
clearly: this isn’t about penance—it’s
not about
doing some action to try
to alleviate my guilt or somehow to
help pay for my sin...only the blood of Jesus can do that.
We are talking about repentance, confession, and being
brought
back into a right relationship with God and with others.
God uses us, the church,
to help in that process (the problem is
that far too often we,
the church, fail God and our brothers and
sisters). We walk with them...we show them God’s
grace...we
point them to spiritual
disciplines...we enter into a relationship of
accountability
with them. We don’t claim a position of
holiness;
instead we take each step
with incredibly humility.
It’s
one thing to whack someone over the head with a gavel and
proclaim, “Guilty!” and
then to get up and leave the courtroom.
It’s another thing
entirely to weep, to pray, to ache, to confront
with
truth and love...and then to stick around.
As the church,
we
are called to stick around.
4. Am I willing to accept the consequences if
things don’t turn out
so
well? I could tell you the story of the
prophet Nathan
confronting King David
about his multiple sins...and how David
collapses
in a heap of confession and repentance.
But there are actors who
feel they are above any director’s
suggestions...just as
there are athletes who feel they don’t need
a coach...just as there
are fallen Christians who either deny
their sin or who insist
they can handle it on their own.
And there are
some who, when confronted, will use this as the
final straw and they will
violently turn their back on you, on the
church, and on God...and
in doing so they will list sins you’ve
committed and accuse of
ones you have not...they will quote
Scripture, “Judge
not!”...they will call you a hypocrite...they will
question your
motives...they will question your salvation...and in
anger they will harden
their heart to the mercy and grace of God
And that very real
possibility should put the fear of God in all of
us...and if it doesn’t,
then that’s a pretty good indicator that
we’re not ready to take
on this unpleasant, but necessary task
Our failure to deal with sin with the love and grace and mercy
of God...along with the
truth of God’s written Word...will always
lead to consequences that are more
severe, affect more people,
do more damage to the
Church than even the worst case
scenario that results
when we have spoken the truth in love
It is sin’s nature to
grow...and to kill. Hoping it will go
away
won’t make it go
away. Ignoring it won’t make it go
away.
Trying to keep it quiet
won’t make it go away. Sure, our life
will
be easier if we don’t
have to initiate that conversation, but what
does that say about our love for the one
who is falling? “I
preferred my comfort over
your relationship with God?” “I would
rather that you alienate
your children than for us to have an
awkward
conversation?” “I didn’t want to
make you angry?”
Let’s say you suspect I
am doing some somewhat questionable
things with church
finances...and let’s say you have sensed
God prompting you to
speak to me about it in private...but you
just can’t imagine I
would do something like that—c’mon, it’s
me, James, that’s not a
temptation for me—and you figure it’s
not your place to speak to your pastor about it
-what if I get angry
with you?
-what if I threaten to
expose a sin I know you struggle
with?
So let’s just say you
choose to remain quiet—you don’t mention
it to anyone else because
you’re certain that would be wrong
And then a few months
later you hear rumors about a special
deacons’ meeting...and
allegations of misappropriation of funds
and fraud...and the FBI is called in...and you see me on the 10
o’clock news dodging a
reporter’s questions...and you never
see me behind the pulpit
again...
convicted and sent to
jail...and my wife, my family, my ministry,
and my church
are gone
-just suppose what
might have happened if you and I had had
an
uncomfortable, but direct conversation months earlier?
--does that mean
you are to blame for my sin? hardly
--it does mean, however, that you failed our
church and you
failed me
-James 5:19-20 à My
brothers, if one of you should wander
from the truth and someone should
bring him back, remember
this: whoever turns a sinner from the error of his
way will
save him from death and cover over
a multitude of sins.
I know that whole
scenario sounds so ridiculously far-fetched
that it’s even funny to
some of you...but I’m not laughing.
5. Am I willing to confront someone I care about
deeply? Am I
willing to confront my
pastor? A deacon? A Sunday School
teacher?
Some of Paul’s commands are given to
Timothy and Titus...and
in Acts 20, he instructs
the leaders in
commands are given to the
church (that’s because sometimes
the pastor and other
leaders need to be on the receiving end).
The American church is in
such a mess today, not because we
are worse sinners than a
generation or a millennium ago...but in
part because pastors have
become afraid to confront sin...and
therefore entire churches
are afraid to confront sin...and
tragically that opens a
trapdoor right behind the pulpit...
A couple of months ago, Steven Flockhart, the
40-year-old pastor of FBC,
It makes me angry—not only that men and women and Christian leaders
sin—but that the sin is allowed to escalate to the
point where this happens.
Ken Sande à Unfortunately
most churches don't employ formal discipline until offenses are so terrible,
relationships so shattered, and patterns so ingrained, that the chances of
restoring someone are very small.
All of that brings us to the latest tragedy...please know I use this
example only because of it’s very public nature...and not out of any sense of
pointing a “holier-than-thou” finger at anyone
I suppose you know about the accusations made about Ted Haggard
-Ted was founding pastor of
--21 years ago, the church
began in his unfinished basement
--today they have a new
7,500-seat auditorium and need to hold
two Sunday morning
worship services
-as President of the
30-million-member National Association of
Evangelicals, he is regarded
as the most powerful, influential
Christian in
--and he fell...
--and he resigned from his
leadership of the NAE
--and yesterday he was
removed as pastor of
---it turns out that
not all, but some, of the allegations were true
I followed this story with fascination on Thursday and Friday
-it’s ironic, too, because I had
no clue I would be preaching tonight
--we will never know—and
never want to know—all of the details,
but what intrigues me and
what distresses me is the simple
question with the
complicated answer: “How could this have
happened?”
Allow me to offer a few possibilities...not from personal knowledge of
his situation, of course, but from what I’ve read about others...and what I
know would contribute to that happening with me
-overwhelmed by our
responsibilities...no one who understands
-no accountability...no one who
can be trusted with the dark
recesses of our soul
-a perceived need to appear
perfect...it’s not biblical, of course, as
Joe pointed out this
morning...but the perception becomes reality
...we believe the public
façade we’ve created is who we really are
...when, in fact, we are
sinners, saved by grace...we have the
capacity for David’s
misdirected passion...for Moses’ impatient
temper...for Peter’s
denials...for Judas’ betrayal...and for Paul’s
continuing struggle with sin
--and once we believe the
façade and we declare ourselves
immune from the temptations
everyone else faces we have set
ourselves up for a
Humpty-Dumpty-like fall
-finally, and again, I have no idea if this
is the case in Ted
Haggard’s situation, but I
can imagine that he was surrounded by
admiring people who never
suspected their pastor could be guilty
of—or even tempted by—such unspeakable sin
No one here needs a church that is full of suspicion and doubt
-you looking at me and wondering
what sins I’ve committed lately...
But neither does anyone need a church that is essentially just a
mutual-admiration
society...where all we do is place people on
pedestals—no one belongs on a
pedestal...no one...not your
spouse, not your best friend,
not your pastor
-Jesus never said, “Admire one
another.”
--admiration is
easy...it’s being each other’s fan
-Jesus said, “Love one
another.”
--love is tough...it means
speaking truth when the truth is hard
---it might require
you to initiate the toughest conversation of
your life...but
it might prevent you from hearing a letter like
this...the
letter, written by Ted Haggard, and read by a
friend to the
Read
You are a sinner—you need a Savior
You are a sinner saved by God’s grace—you need a church
You are a sinner saved by God’s grace who is susceptible to the same
temptations as everyone else—you need to be receptive to the tough
conversations...better yet, you need to invite them...someone asking you the
difficult questions now—before the fact—is infinitely better than hearing them
later