Unimaginable Devastation
Matthew 5:31-32
Do you remember where you were on the morning of April 19, 1995?
-I was in the library at seminary—just three short weeks before
graduation—when a guy ran in and excitedly said, “A bomb has
exploded in
simply gone.”
--my first
thought was, “No way. Not in
if there were ever a place that would be immune to a tragedy
like that
it would have to be
---I convinced myself that he was mistaken or exaggerating
---until I got home and turned the TV to CNN
--I could never have pictured the destruction...the buildings, the
168 lives taken, the families torn apart, the rescuers, the city,
and to some degree the entire country
---we all sensed a very real vulnerability that our nation had
not known since perhaps October of 1962
On a smaller scale, but no less real, similar devastation occurs every
day...and when we hear about it, we think “No way. Not them. I
mean if there were ever a marriage that should be immune to a
tragedy like that it would have to be theirs.”
-then we are shocked when the news is confirmed
--and no one, especially those directly involved, could imagine
how awful the aftershocks would be...the home, the marriage,
the family, the children, the extended family, and to some
degree every other couple who looked up to them as a
wonderful, Christian example
---and we all sense a very real vulnerability in our own
marriages that we perhaps have never known before
----after all, if it can happen to them, then what about us?
And it’s usually only in those times when we all agree that God knew
what He was doing when He placed some pretty stiff restrictions on
marriage and divorce
-a few months before he passed away, Carla’s brother give me this
advice à “If you are ever counseling a couple who is wanting to
get a divorce, tell them they need to sit through a day in family
court...let them see firsthand what divorce does.”
I think that’s the same effect Jesus is creating when He teaches:
Read Matthew 5:31-32
Not very popular...not going to read that on a devotional calendar’s
“verse for the day”
-and you’re not likely to hear it read during a wedding ceremony
--but perhaps you should
Tonight I will address the specific question of this text, “Is Jesus
actually saying that if I’m divorced I can’t remarry?”
-but for now, this morning, I will focus instead on the implied
message in this passage...specifically, how critical it is to work
diligently on the marriage and family you are already in
--because the reality is that this point is just as important as the
stern warning about divorce, remarriage, and adultery
-this won’t be a simple, “3 Ways to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage”
but we will seek a genuine biblical perspective on marriage
--and to do that we need to go back in time a few years
Return with me to a time when the world is newborn…to a time of
perfect peace and harmony…to a time when there is no disease…
no death…no fear…in fact, there’s not even any rain to ruin your
parade…but paradise is not all it’s cracked-up to be
-in this ideal world there is a man
--and in apparent contrast to and God saw
all that He had
made and it was very good…God, Himself, declares that
something is not good
-It is
not good for the man to be alone.
--but God,
being God, already has a solution: I
will make a
helper suitable for him.
It is significant that the helper God creates is a woman…clearly
affirming God’s intention for marriage is one man and one woman
-from the beginning of time, God saw tremendous value in the
joining of one man and one woman for a lifetime commitment…
somehow our society has lost that
-it goes without saying that we no longer live in the Garden of
Part of the problem (which is also part of the beauty) of marriage
is that it requires a woman and a man
-despite our similarities (e.g., all created in God’s image), men and
women are different (some are more different than others)
--we think differently, act & react differently, and basically live by
two different philosophies about and approaches to life
Let me share some things that women wish men understood
according to what Cheryl Lavin
writes in The
Pay attention. We like to give clues. "Susie and Bob
tried a great new restaurant" means "Why don't you ever take us
anywhere nice?"
If you ask us what's wrong and we say nothing, ask us again.
And this time, look sincere.
If you only knew how much a tender word, a thoughtful act, an unexpected gift
means to us, you would do it, and your life would improve exponentially.
When no one's home, stand in front of a mirror and practice
this until you can say it in public, "I was wrong."
After you've mastered that, work on, "I'm sorry."
And then there’s what men wish women understood:
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar you know we check.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but sometimes it's just not worth the hassle.
I’m convinced many problems could be solved or prevented if we had
a clue about two critical questions
1. WHY get married in the first place?
2. WHAT are the characteristics of a Christian marriage?
-in asking those questions I’ll be challenging you to do some
honest evaluation of your own relationship
To find those answers we look, of course, to Scripture
Read Genesis 2:18-24
For this reason…what reason?
-“Why marry?” is an important question because…
--it helps us focus on the valid reasons to get married
--it also reminds us of all the reasons we should stay married
Dwight Small à We would not get divorced for such trivial
reasons if
we would not get married for such trivial reasons.
What does Scripture say is the reason?
-must go back to v. 18 àIt is not good for the man to be alone
-and then turn to Ecclesiastes 4
Ecclesiastes 4:9 à shared work/ministry (cf. Genesis 2:15)
-are you truly partners when it comes to work around the house?
-are you involved in ministry together?
-NT example of
Ecclesiastes 4:10 à encouragement, accountability
-do you pray daily for your mate?
-how have you encouraged him/her this week?
-do you allow your mate to hold you accountable when it comes to
your finances…your anger…your thoughts?
-do you allow your mate to be an encourager to you?
--he/she can’t if you fail to have the honesty to share your fears,
disappointments, struggles
-1 Corinthians 13 à Love cares more for others than for self
Ecclesiastes 4:11 à companionship, intimacy
-is your mate your best friend? If not, then you are both missing
out on one of the foundational purposes of marriage
--the key is not trying to change them, but to be changed yourself…
to be a best friend to your partner
Ecclesiastes 4:12 à strength
-the woman is described by God as a helper (not a servant)
-two together provide strength not only for crises, but for daily
challenges as well
Now understand, not everyone is called to be married
-but we can see God uses marriage to provide some distinctive
advantages if that marriage is in accordance with His design
-and that’s why we now go to the next question
*What are some characteristics of a Christian marriage?
-while certainly not an exclusive list, the description of the first
couple is surprisingly simple, but also incredibly deep
--and we return to Genesis
Leave
-no safety net (“If things don’t work out…”)
-independence, but not isolation
--need for mentors, discipleship, growth
Be united and become
one flesh
-everybody knows that 1 + 1 = 2…except at the beginning of time,
before there was “new math”, God did something unusual…He
did something better…He said that 1 + 1 = 1
Q: How’s that?
A: When a woman and man are united as wife and husband
That’s the symbolism of the unity candle in a marriage ceremony
-two lives becoming one before God
After hearing our pastor in
years old at the time, told us à I know what that means.
-in a calm panic, I replied, “You know what what means?”
--he answered: “when a man and woman become one flesh”
-I held my breath…not really sure I was ready for the answer
-we tried not to laugh when he said, “It’s when they kiss.”
He got it partially right
-“oneness” does refer to sexual intimacy (I’m really glad it does!)
--in fact, the Bible teaches that this aspect of married life is
important (read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
-but there’s far more to becoming “one flesh” than sex
One in purpose (why are we doing this?)
-are we doing this for God’s glory and to serve Him better?
-or are we doing this for our own self-interests?
One in direction (where are we going?)
-in considering, “Should I marry this person?”
--does this he/she help me grow in my Christian walk?
--am I more Christ-like when I with her/him?
-in evaluating your own marriage
--am I helping my mate become more Christ-like?
--am I a good example in my practice of spiritual disciplines?
One in commitment (unconditional)
-1 Corinthians 13
à Love never gives up…never dies…but keeps
going to the end…Doesn’t keep score of the sins of
others…Never
looks back
-how? practice the disciplines of repentance and forgiveness
One in suffering (sym~pathy = suffer alongside of)
-one implication of “one flesh” is that when one hurts, so must the
other…warning: don’t hurt my wife
--that necessitates sensitivity and communication
One in transparency
-are you hiding things from your mate?
--does your mate know what you spend money on?
--does he/she know what you’re reading; what you’re watching?
--does your mate know which internet sites you go to?
If you are hiding things…maintaining even a partially “secret” life,
then you are going against the command of being “one flesh”
-not saying that you must get permission to buy a pack of gum
--but if there are books you’ve read, magazines you’ve purchased,
or internet sites you’ve visited and you sure don’t want your
spouse to find out…then you have a serious problem
-while some may raise objections to that statement, it doesn’t
change the reality
--that kind of secrecy violates heart of becoming “one flesh”
‘Can rationalize secrecy: “I don’t want to hurt my mate.”
-but the root problem lies at the sin you’re trying to hide
--that’s what you need to take to God and repent
--then confess that to your mate…ask for his/her forgiveness…ask
her/him to hold you accountable (and your mate should forgive!)
Warning Signs: things that lead to disunity
-lack of common purpose, direction, commitment, openness
-selfishness (1 Corinthians 13 à Isn’t always “me first” )
--yet, too many marriages are characterized by exactly that
-failure to
serve/minister together
-lack of Christ-centeredness
--the single best way to improve your marriage is to improve your
relationship with Christ
Terry Kenne à Our daughter planned a small family wedding at our church. When my husband and I arrived early on the day of the wedding to make sure everything was ready, we noticed a banner from the missions conference was still behind the pulpit. Its message seemed appropriate for our occasion, too: WORTH THE RISK.
I believe every marriage is worth saving and worth fighting for
because every marriage has worth…
-there is worth, because marriage is a gift from God
--we are therefore stewards of this precious gift
---God does not take it lightly when we choose to violate one
of our wedding vows…neither should we
----with that being clearly said, it’s also important for you to
realize that divorce is not the unpardonable sin
-----yes, it’s a huge deal and its effects can extend for
generations...and God truly does hate it
------but don’t forget God hates all sin
-----and the Bible doesn’t say that blood of Christ
covers a multitude of sins except for divorce
The creation of the woman was a God-thing (remember—the man
was asleep on the couch)…v. 22 à God “brought her to the man”…
therefore she is a treasured gift from God…
-men, we must treat our wives accordingly
--and we must all gain a renewed sense of the preciousness and
holiness of marriage
---we can do that as we return to the beginning and
rediscover God’s purposes for our marriage
Worth the risk to stick in there and keep fighting for your marriage...
because the other option never solves all your problems—it only
creates new ones you have to deal with
-today in downtown
is gone...its remnants were knocked down and hauled away
--what remains is a memorial to those whose lives were taken
---there is still a heart-breaking chain link fence that is home
to photos, letters, and stuffed animals...each a reminder of
how families were destroyed that day...of children who will
never run into their parents arms again...of moms and
dads who will never again walk through the front door
-I have been there, I believe, 3 or 4 times...and each time I cannot
stop the tears...because something terribly, terribly precious has
been lost...and can never be replaced
Dads...whether you are single, divorced, a step-dad, or married...do
all you can to honor God as you are a parent, as you are a husband,
and as you are a follower of Jesus Christ
-the consequences of failure are beyond your imagination